Friday, November 28, 2003

Well, this being Thanksgiving weekend, I've been wiling away all my time on Photoshop projects...no new article. Sowwy. (Of course I could post an old article and no one would know, since this is a new blog...ha! I run circles around your logic.) I've decided to share something rather unusual.

My friend was attempting to write a story, but abandoned it when she decided it was "stupid". I thought otherwise, and decided it could be turned into a Princess Bride - esque masterpiece. I spiffed it up a bit, added some parentheticals, etc. I kind of almost like it. But it's up to you folks to decide whether or not it's worth continuing. Comment away.

Many years ago, when Scotland was still wooded, there lived a unicorn. (Actually, in that time there lived many unicorns, but they do not concern us.) This particular unicorn was different from the rest: ugly to some, beautiful to others. I cannot tell you which was true, for it is a matter of taste, so I shall leave the choice to you.

Let's start with the hooves - Large and cloven (up). She was young at the time, fourteen to be exact, but quite tall. She was slender. Not fat, not skinny, and surprisingly proportionate, but with slightly knobby knees. (But this was before proportions. Well, not really, but no one called them “proportions”. Someone was simply ugly or beautiful, and no one paid attention to mathematical details.) Her mane and tail were purple and green, just like her birth stone (alexandrite, except this was before alexandrite, so she was simply referred to as having purple and green hair) and her horn was platinum (Yes, you read correctly). As for the sleek fur covering the rest of her body, it was pure white but with a diamond-like sheen. (This was after diamonds, but before jewelry stores.) So, what do you think? Ugly or beautiful?

(If there is a boy present, you should probably leave, since if you haven't already puked, YOU WILL! Trust me on this one!)

She smelled of roses, vanilla, lavender, and orchid. (This was after flowers.)

(I told you to leave! Try to aim AWAY from the book!)

She loved to eat forget-me-nots, and no one ever forgot her! (Only this was before they were called “forget-me-nots”, so neither she nor anyone else realized the significance of this.) Her name was Tinuriel, after a famous Elf, but everyone in the glade where she lived called her Elle. (This was long before Tolkien, but around the same time as the people he wrote about.)

So, on one of those boring, generic days - lots of rainbows, sunlight, chasing faeries, etc.-she decided to have some fun. (This was after fun, but most everything is.) She sorted through her dried herbs (for all unicorns collect such things) and chose some of her favorites; lavender, rose leaves, orchid petals, and chamomile. She put them on a large amethyst block and proceeded to stomp on them until they were finely ground. After that, she mixed the powder with sweet grass and jasmine oil, and poured the liquid into a bottle. She studied the finished product.

Elle was fond of making potions (it was the unicorn equivalent of gourmet cooking). This, however, was a mixture she’d never tried before. I wonder what it does... she pondered. Perhaps I shall test it on someone. Her conscience berated her; her parents had always told her to “never give anyone a potion if you don’t know what it does!”

She thought for a moment.

“I know!” she whispered (for this was after unicorns learned to talk, but before there was anyone there to listen.) “I’ll test it on Loch!” She scampered off, giggling.

Loch was Elle’s evil nemesis, according to her anyway (not to mention her verbal punching bag.) (This was before punching bags, but, believe me, Loch was one.)

"Perhaps he will turn into a frog!" she mused hopefully, "now, where is he..... Probably in the bog, knowing him."

She was correct in her speculations. He was in the bog all right, smearing bog goo in his mane. (Boys will be boys, human or otherwise.)

Loch was a young, awkward unicorn with fur the color of goldenrod and an off-white tail and mane. (Actually they might have been pure white, for all anyone knew, but they were always dirty so there was no way to tell for sure.) He was tall and ungainly, and always managed to make a fool out of himself given the slightest opportunity.

Well? Er...it's a little stupid. I guess. While I'm at it, why don't I add a parodyish work I did a little while ago...

Les Miserables: The Musical
Super-condensed by Liz Nast

Jean Valjean: I am Jean Valjean!

Javert: I am the law, and you are scum.

Jean Valjean: Yeah, I guess you're right.

(he STEALS SOME STUFF)

Javert: You scum! Now I've got you!

Religious dude: I gave him that stuff.

Javert: Darn.

Jean Valjean: That religious dude let me go free. I am moved. I shall live the rest of my life as an honest man.

(a LONG TIME passes)

Fantine: Woe is me, I have a child, but I'm poor and she's starving.

Foreman: You won't sleep with me. You're fired.

The Mayor: (ignores)

Prostitutes: Join us!

Fantine: No.

(everyone ATTACKS Fantine for no apparent reason)

The Mayor: Leave her alone! Come with me.

(they go to a CONVENT)

Fantine: Take care of my daughter.

The Mayor: I swear I will.

(Fantine DIES)

Javert: Mr. Mayor dude, you're really Jean Valjean, aren't you?

Jean Valjean/Mayor: Bugger.

Javert: I'll catch you!

Master of the House: I'm a landlord. Behold how slimy I am!

(Master of the House's wife is MEAN to Cosette)

Jean Valjean: Cosette, Fantine's daughter, come with me.

Cosette: Okay.

(a LONG TIME passes)

Gavroche: These are my people. They live on the streets. I lead them, even though I am extremely small.

Schoolboys: We need to have a revolution.

Street people: Yay!

Marius: Eponine, you are my friend.

Eponine: I am madly in love with you.

Marius: Too bad, I'm madly in love with that girl I just saw. Find her.

Eponine: Gaaaaah.

Enjolras: Let's fight!

Schoolboys: Yay!

Marius: I'm in love.

Enjolras: Who cares?

Eponine: I'm depressed.

Marius and Cosette: We're in love.

Marius: I must fight.

Javert: I am on your side!

Gavroche: No he's not. Let's kill him.

Jean Valjean: No, let him live.

Javert: Huh?

Eponine: Hi, Marius.

(she is SHOT)

Marius: No!

Eponine: I love you.

(She DIES)

(The schoolboys FIGHT. Everyone DIES.)

Javert: I can't stand being alive, knowing that Jean Valjean isn't as scummy as I thought.

(He JUMPS OFF A BRIDGE)

The women: Everyone is dead. How sad.

Marius: Everyone is dead. How sad.

(Cosette and Marius get MARRIED)

Master of the House: Look, I'm in high society! And I'm still a slimy landlord!

Jean Valjean: I'm dying.

Cosette: No!

Fantine and Eponine: Yes.

Jean Valjean: Bye.

(He DIES)

The people: Well, now that was pointless wasn't it? Let's sing a marching song.

Dead people: Hey, look! We are no longer dead!

Victor Hugo: To love another person is to see the face of God. I suppose I could've just said that in the beginning and saved a lot of time, couldn't I?

THE END.

fawnthefactotum at 11:07 PM

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Because of my high opinion of the EiC, I'm following his rigorous schedule of "post whenever you want". I'm getting a little political and moral today. Sorry. Er...please keep the rotten vegetables to yourself until you've read it.

Perusing through this week's big stories, I noticed that - oddly enough! - the press is still tearing into Rush Limbaugh like starving wolves on a sick buffalo. I forgive them. It's irresistable. He's a prime target, and the only reason he's a prime target is that he put himself in the limelight. If you want a safe place to screw up, you stay indoors and order groceries from Albertsons.com. Rush is a celebrity. He's fair game.

But to put all this in perspective, let's talk about addiction for a moment. As Dr. Drew Pinksy is fond of saying, it's a disease that is needlessly stigmatized - some people are prone to addiction, and if they don't know it, they can get hooked on prescription medication that was given to them legitmately by a doctor. And once you're hooked, it's very hard to stop.

Not that this is an excuse. Thousands of people successfully recover from these kinds of addictions every year. All it takes is time, determination, and some dough. But it's so much easier to just pop another pill...you feel so energized, so alive, at the end of the day you can look back on all you accomplished...and you're pain-free!

It's human nature. We always go for the easy way out first. When that caves in on us, we head to the straight and narrow. Sometimes.

Rush screwed up. No doubt about it. He had a serious back problem, the surgery didn't fix it, and so he took pills to deal with the pain. When the pills stopped working, he took more. When the doctor stopped prescribing, Rush turned to the black market - an easy step to take, in the haze of addiction. But still wrong.

And he got his punishment, didn't he? The pills made him go deaf in one ear. He kept taking them, kept buying them. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Now Rush has done the right thing. He's gone in for treatment, and plans to give up the pills forever. Good for him. But the wolves don't stop.

Why? Because they've been waiting for this excuse for a long time. They've been itching to knock Rush off his self-built throne, because he is loud, arrogant, and influental. Whether you believe what he says is right or wrong, you know who Rush is and you know what he believes, because he is an icon. Republicans were desperate for a mascot for so long, and then came Rush. They worshipped him because they had no one else. Rush is, has been, and ever shall be a paradigm of what his party stands for, so when he sinned, his enemies did not hesitate to descend on him.

And they have every right. It may not be the nice thing to do, but Rush is seldom nice to his enemies. It may not be the merciful thing to do, but who wants to show mercy in a world where even justice is in short supply?

All I'm saying is, let's not call him a hypocrite. Not, at least, until you find me a book, a radio drop, anything where he ostracized someone for addiction to pain medication. Remember, Rush was not elected, and Rush has no power except the power of his voice and his ideas. And even then, his influence depends on who's listening. The power Rush has is the power that you give him, and you can withdraw it at any time. So let him be. Stop the trash-talking. It's the least you could do. He's just another human, after all.
fawnthefactotum at 9:58 PM

Thursday, November 13, 2003

Right. EiC says to forget the schedule, so I will, and post whenever I feel like it. Just to clarify: I didn't write the AI review. Hence, "The Editor in Chief Speaks" title. And the "Matt's rating". And the fact that it was posted by "Matt". Right, just making sure. On to my latest review.

I've always been a filmmaker at heart. The stories I write are merely representations of a movie that's playing in my head. I love films, because I feel like I'm getting inside someone else's brain for a while - the character's, of course, but also the filmmaker's. I love to see where a movie will take me. As I thrill at a tense scene or feel my eyes water when things turn out happily ever after, I'm feeling an extra bit of triumph just for the fellow who created that moment. I'm proud of the writer, the director, my brothers in the craft.

I love watching movies.

In Signs, the "either you love him or you hate him" director M. Night Shyamalan took me places. The characters were real, the dialogue (with a few notable exceptions) was real, the movie felt like real life. Almost disturbingly so. I'd heard bad things about Shyamalan's Unbreakable. But I wanted to believe it would be just as good.

So when I pulled the video out of its case, I breathed a silent prayer that it would strike me just as deeply as Signs. I shoved it in the VCR. 107 minutes later, I was speechless. Yep. Struck.

David Dunn (Bruce Willis, of course) is an ordinary security gaurd working at an ordinary sports stadium. Nothing unusual at all about him. Until...his train on the way home from New York derails. Two passengers survive. One dies in the hospital. The other is David, and he hasn't got a scratch on him.

David goes to the memorial service for those lost in the wreck. On the way out, he picks up a note someone left on his windshield - "When was the last time you were sick?" Embossed across the front of the paper are the words "Limited Edition". David heads to the Limited Edition store with his son Joseph (Spencer Treat Clark), and there they meet a very strange man. Elijah (Samuel L. Jackson) is obsessed with comic books and comic book heroes, and has been all his life. He is cursed with a disease that makes his bones very brittle - they break at the slighest provocation. His theory: If there's someone like him in the world, who is so weak, surely there must be someone else in the world whose bones cannot break, who is infinitely strong - like a real life comic book hero. He watched all the disaster reports his whole life, he says, waiting for those particular words: "There is a sole survivor. He is miraculously unharmed." Because such a man must surely be the real life hero. Elijah believes he's finally found that man, and that it's David.

David scoffs at this, accusing Elijah of being nothing more than a con man, and leaves. Back to his home, to an estranged wife (Robin Wright Penn) and a son whom he is just getting to know. But Elijah will not let him be.

As time goes by, the reluctant David is faced with a truth he never suspected and doesn't want to believe. Gradually he realizes that being a hero isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's a hard lesson. But he also realizes that he has the power to undo at least a little of the evil that's been done in the world.

Unbreakable, like most of Shyamalan's films, is about a man struggling to discover who he is. Like Signs, it prominently features the hero's seemingly minor personal problems even in the midst of supernatural phenomena. These are real people, Shyamalan is saying. Just like you and me. Only...their lives turned extraordinary. Could yours?

This is a fascinating roller coaster of a thriller, while never losing that bizarre, experimental indie film quality that makes it Shyamalan. If you don't allow yourself to be drawn into its depth, you will think that it's shallow. So let go of logic. Go ahead. Be a college kid again. Question life. Find meaning in the mundane. You won't regret it.

"It's okay to be afraid, David. Because this part won't be like a comic book."

(Unbreakable is rated PG-13 for tense and scary moments, a crude sexual reference, and a very disturbing scene of twisted violence. Definitely not recommended for the kiddies. They'd get bored with it anyway.)


fawnthefactotum at 7:24 PM

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

The Editor-in-Chief Speaks...

Movie Review: A.I. Artificial Intelligence

I picked up this movie at the library the other day with the impression of "This is going to be dumb." But I watched it anyway. What I found was a pretty artistic vision that didn't live up to the expectations of the viewer, which is why the critics panned it.

The first half is GREAT. Great, because the topic of discussion (and that's what the movie does, it discusses the possibility of having A.I. and whether or not it would be beneficial to mankind). As you watch it, THINK about that, it deals with a really realistic issue for the future.

Plot: Population control is in strict effect. Government permits are required in order to have a child, and when family's only son is in a coma, it is selected to be the test market for a new Mecha (Mechanical, as opposed to "Orga" for Organism) called "David". David is the first mecha to appear in the form of a child, and he is the first mecha cabable of loving. Once programmed to love someone, he can't undo his love for them. It's an eternal love, and a really interesting portrayal of it. When the family's real son comes out of his coma, David is no longer valued as he once was, and eventually gets sent away. I don't want to ruin more of it for you, so I won't.

There are a couple of scenes in it that I fast forwarded. At one point he and his friend Gigolo Joe end up at "Rouge City" searching for Dr. Know (voiced by Robin Williams). The city is basically a really scary depiction of sin, in the future. If you see it as being something that Spielberg views as possible, it will chill you.

There are some things I wish had been done differently...such as the ending. When you watch it you'll be surprised because it doesn't go at all where you'd expect, but don't judge the movie because of that. Remember that you didn't write and this was Spielberg's vision for the movie (he was the screenwriter) and take it for what it is, not how YOU would have done it; otherwise you'll hate the movie altogether.

Matt's Rating: 2 1/2 Stars
Matt at 9:24 AM

Monday, November 10, 2003

IP has a new mascot. It's....

MUTANT BUNNY!



(Thanks to http://home.pacbell.net/bettychu/2003allbreedbisris/BIS.html and davebarry.blogspot.com)
fawnthefactotum at 4:45 PM

Sunday, November 09, 2003

I was going to write a nice, fresh opinion piece to start out my nice, fresh, blog, but then I realized that my opinions involve large amounts of words. This presented certain problems with my current state of mind, which can only be described as "too tired to type anything cogent". So I think I'll introduce myself, tell a little about what this blog is about, give a movie review as a filler, and then secure world peace. Okay, maybe not that last bit.

You can call me Fawn. Or you can call me Ishmael, I really don't care. I can't hear you no matter how loud you yell at the screen. My real name is Liz, but try to forget that - it will only confuse you when I continually post under the name "Fawn". In other news: I am a chick. And I like to write. I like to get feedback, because, like all chicks (and more importantly, all writers) I cannot survive without feedback.

Matt is Indirect Proof's Editor-in-Chief, which means he has to link to me on his website, and he can post here, but he probably never will. I'm guessing 99.9% of you came here from his site. Good little children! You won't regret it.

I plan to have some sort of semi-formal column-like setup to this thing. On the first week of the month, movie reviews. Maybe also book and music reviews. Or T.V. show reviews. Or whatever. For the second week, something related to pop culture or something politcal. Here I might address issues like feminism, the decline and fall of Rush, or whatever the current topic(s) may be. Third week is for fiction - if I have anything good, I'll post it. If not, I'll post another review of something - because I'm good at those. Fourth week is for philosophy, deep thoughts, innovative ideas, etc. etc. If I think of any.

Then again, maybe I'll forget about the whole schedule thing and just post when I feel like it. you never know.

Right, so on to the movie. This weekend I finally got around to Reign of Fire, which has been recommended to me by various people threatening to steal my mp3 player if I didn't watch it. So I did. My summary? "...it's okay."

*dodges rotten fruit*

Yes, I am well aware that Christian Bale is hot stuff. And he was perfectly good in this film, nothing wrong with his performance, althought that fake, wispy mutated beard thing was a bit troubling at times. I'm even a fan of Izabella Scorupco, based on her performance in Goldeneye. Plus, the whole premise of the movie was promising: dragons burning things! Wheeeee! Right. Well, anyway.

First, let me say that I was expecting a bit more from the dragons. I remember the trailers - the dragons were billed as being "more intelligent than man". Uh huh. If they're so intelligent, why didn't the one guy-dragon breathe fire at Christian Bale when he was two inches away from the dragon's nose, firing a machine gun at it? The world may never know. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Basic plot is thus: Team of construction workers are digging a large hole underneath London. (No, I have no idea why either. Just go with it.) The supervisor is a woman with a son. The son ventures into a cavern and unwittingly awakens what is quite literally a sleeping dragon. Dragon goes nuts, kills everybody, only the boy escapes. Huge fast-forward to the future, son is now adult, leading a band of refugees in a world almost completely destroyed by the dragons. They spawn too quickly, and it seems that for every one killed, three hundred take its place. Yikes.

The movie gets interesting at this point, where we see the collision of technology and primitive society, where the kids know the story of "Star Wars" but have to read by candlelight. The small community that Quinn (Bale's character) leads is driven out of various camps/homes more than once as dragons descend to burn everything and feed on the ash. (There's no accounting for taste, I guess. Some people like burnt marshmallows.) The people live in fear, and by the following mantra which they insist on calling a "prayer":

"What do we do when we wake?"
"Keep both eyes on the sky."
"What do we do when we sleep?"
"Keep one eye on the sky."
"What do we do when we see them?"
"Dig fast, dig deep, run for shelter, and don't look back."

Everything changes when some hotshot American refugees burst into the camp in their huge, loud tanks. Their huge, loud leader Denton Van Zan (Matthew McConaughey) manages to convince Quinn to let him and his tanks in for the night, claiming that he's a "dragon killer". As it turns out, he is, and he saves the village more than once. By and by, he reveals his theory to Quinn - the dragons are like fish. The females lay the eggs, and the male flies over later to fertilize them. Since, of the three hundred dragons they have killed, all appear to be female, he concludes that there is only one male in the entire world. Oooookay. He has reason to believe this male lives in London. Ooooooooooooooooookay. He wants to take a band of brave, dense and possibly suicidal soldiers to London to take out the beast. Problem: he's out of soldiers. He needs to borrow some of Quinn's. "No," Quinn says. Smart guy.

Nevertheless, Van Zan incites a tiny revolution among Quinn's men. A few agree to go, but not enough. Quinn and Van Zan have a fight. Van Zan's female assistant, Alex (Scorupco), shows her tender side by giving Quinn a bottle of Iodine to nurse his wounds with. Ow. Van Zan and co. head out to London, incite the beast to anger, but fail to kill it - instead, they just lead it back to Quinn's settlement, causing major amounts of damage. Urgh. TOLD YOU SO. Finally, Quinn decides that enough is enough. He has been avoiding the site of his mother's death for so long, but now it's time to slay the beast. He, Alex, and Van Zan set out to do just that.

I won't spoil the ending, but it's no suprise. What I didn't like about this movie was that one of the major plot points, and what turned out to the climax (hunting the beast) didn't even become anyone's mission until about three-quarters of the way through. You barely have time to begin caring about the mission, and suddenly it's over. The premise of there being only one male seemed a bit shaky to me. It's like deciding there must be only one male salmon in the world, or something. The character of Van Zan was so disgustingly Big Tough American Cliche that I couldn't even manage to be amused.

So, in summary, the movie was enjoyable, but disjointed and not by any means The Greatest Action Flick of the Decade. There were some good lines and good performances, but I wouldn't necessarily watch it more than once. Awright kiddos...later days.
fawnthefactotum at 9:50 PM

Monday, November 03, 2003

Testing testing, one two. Is this thing on?
fawnthefactotum at 11:50 AM